Parvin told me to do it

Parvin told me to try LIVEBLOGGING this episode of RHONY, so I'm going to try, and then go back and edit (I know, that's breaking the rules) and post.  Too bad I forgot until 5 minutes in!  Yall missed Jill's second event meeting and a graphic design brainstorm between Bethenny and Alex.  Nothing happened - let's go.

Aaaaand here we go.  LuAnn talking about self esteem and why she likes herself to young girls to put in her service hours at Countesses 'R Us.   I cannot wait for Richard's recap on this.

Now she's trying to explain her torrid past.  Look at the blank stares.  Richard, you know what to do with this.

Oh dear lord sweet Jesus.  She called out a girl who wanted to be a model, saying that losing weight is easy.  Great contribution to a SELF ESTEEM WORKSHOP, you horrid C U Next Tuesday.

I'm not crazy about Jill's new apartment.  Places that look too much like a model home and or hotel lobby and or weird jewelry boutique on Spring Street don't look lived in.  And the coffee table says "pop."  WTF.

Bethenny, I love you for directing national attention to Alex's hilarious website and Simon's Fan Club.

Bethenny, I love you for shining light on the truth of Jill's apartment that will only look good for 5 months.

The partner is Simon.  I went to watch videos on BravoTV.com and they totally spoiled it.

Told you so.

This is the best plan EVER.

Oh look, Kelly segment!  Which to me is the same as a commercial so I'm getting up for a glass of water.

"Everyone wants to go out with Max," you know, like everyone with a dick.  Right Kelly?  Or like, everyone who's Simon van Kempen.

Speaking of Simon, looks like those two weeks of the tennis unit in phys ed Down Under did a wold of good.

Now Simon's panting and sweating.  Now he's picking up balls.  A little censorship please, FCC.

Why on God's great earth does Alex need sexy reference photos for a LOGO?  Isn't it her job to make a design?  She must be watching lots of Logo.

They cut back shortly to show an out-of-sequence moment of Jill having a Jew sob in her kitchen.  So, there's that.

Oooh!  Real Housewives of NJ preview comin up!

Kelly, there's a diaper popping out of your navel.

Shut up Ramona.  You can choke on my Team Jill shirt.  Nothing is gauche except your husband's rapey eye stare that he flashes anyone with a set of boobies.

Look everyone!  Alex came!  And she's wearing the upholstery from that leather couch we had in the basement and threw out last year!

Ramona's stretches look like a really poor audition for Debbie does the Tennis Courts at Chelsea Piers.

Also, tears in her eyes and pursed lips is a great way to look unfazed.  She's got a great poker face.

Alex, shut the hell up.  It wasn't fair to subject Simon to tennis that because he was sick that day in Socialite Class when they went over WASPy sports.

And Ramona and Mario win against their "disrespectful" partners.  Yawn.

One more thought:  "JERSEY GIRLS ARE LIKE THE REAL DEAL."  (Straight from the horse's mouth.)  This looks so. Ridiculously. Scrumptious.  Evidence:

"I wanted to get new bubbies, but my husband, he's an aaass maaaan...  My husband's delicious.  He's gawt the big muscles, the big tan, the big everything... My little girls aaw divas like theh mama."  ~Thank you Theresa.  Good luck on your impeccably tasteful French Chateau vision for the house.

I do not want to put my name on this blinky recap.

To be honest I wasn't sure whether I was watching an installment of Real Housewives last night or an episode of Gossip Girl. Which naturally meant: It's Fashion Weeeeeek! Everyone acted irrationally catty and stupid self-deluded, not unlike the behavior espoused at the Chilton Academy. The girls are all fully settled back in Manhattan, but Ramona promised to renew a little piece of the Hamptons when she swore to Jill that she'd cut a rug at the upcoming charity gala. You've just made me the happiest little girl in the whole wide world, Ramona.

Here are some notable gems from last night:

1. Quoth Simon: "Well, if you're going to get pregnant, it's not going to be from me! You know, since I was surgically altered for that NOT to happen." ... at Silex's exclusive designer fitting for Fashion Week. Which was at a tiny store probably on Driggs Avenue that sells moderately expensive lines like Free People and Betsy Johnson but doesn't really carry "one-of-a-kinds" by any original designer. In any case, Simon still found it necessary to announce to perfect strangers that when he does have TOTALLY heterosexual sex with his wife and he's TOTALLY not thinking about Hugh Jackman, they won't have to worry about popping out any more Little Lord Fauntlery's. Since he HAD A VASECTOMY, YOU GUYS! Silex then talked about how chic Williamsburg was, as an admirable hotbed of "under 30's" art and fashion. Then the two of them went to pound back $1 PBRs at a nearby dive bar and joined a rousing game of kickball in McCarren Park.
2. Quoth Jill: "Put a brawrawn." ... regarding how she thinks grown women should dress, especially at things like her Zang Toi luncheon presentation to which she was very careful to only invite "women that can spend that kind of money." Jill has license to act totally snooty about shit like this, because this was a personal event thrown in her honor at a legitimate designer showroom, and not a camera crew indulging Alex and Simon while they try crap on at Chico's or wherever. Also, Jill lost all stuffy edge of pretense when she acted like a totally embarrassing Jewish mother at the luncheon, whipping out her digital camera and yelling at all the designs, shouting conversations across the table, and flapping her arms in pride of what Toi had "designed for her" (which was really just a great necklacke with an LBD, that, yeah, wasn't really designed for her, but God love her anyway). Earlier, she was waddling around the studio and singing like a bird when she squeezed herself into a "size 0." Sigh. And this is why Jill is the undisputed Champion of Awesome.
3. Quoth Bethenny: "OK, so... that happened, so let's go over here!" ... after Kelly completely and suddenly walked away from Bethenny mid-sentence at the Jill Stuart show, when someone famous passed by her line of sight. Bethenny reacted to such utter booshit by making a "this bitch is wackadoo" face and floating magnificently down the hall of the Public Library, Blackberry and friend in tow. Later she revealed that Kelly sucks not only because she's the poster child for horrid chemical peels, but also because Kelly acted like a total Lohan around Bethenny's boyfriend a few years back. You know, once Kelly woke up from a three-day bender and scoped the room for a committed man to steal. And then tried to tempt him with talk of how she knew Diddy's publicist and could probably hook him up with a table at Bungalow 8 and a few bottles of Ciroc if he's interested.
4. Quoth Kelly: "Oh? You have arthritis? Oh, that's cute!" ... to Jill's daughter at the planning meeting for Jill's arthritis benefit. Kelly sort of took the whole opportunity to help not unlike a queen bee in high school would take the requirement that she work on a science project with five nerds during the weekend. She waltzed in half an hour late, mostly because of all those other charities and obligations she tries so hard NOT to "lend her name to," and then immediately yelled out that she didn't want to be cochair, because, ohmigawd that's like... social suicide! (Oh wait, maybe I'm thinking of "Mean Girls.") But, seriously, no offense you guys, she REALLY wants to help out because this little girl is adorable (cut to 16-year-old Ally glaring through her eyeliner), but she just like, you know, it's like, whatever! Kelly ultimately extrapolates that she would rather invest her integrity to interviewing socialites, writing for magazines, and being photographed at parties to bolster someone's PR, than do charity work. Oh another place she invests her integrity is all over her ex-fiance's face. Just sayin.

Bling!

Le recap blinqué, 18 de mars!

Oh brother.  If there wasn't a bible to write about this episode then I ain't a legal midget in two states.  Let's even forget LuAnn's contra-feminist Edith Wharton rules of dating and feminism, shall we?  OK.  Because new as this laptop is I'm sure screaming and crying into the keyboard isn't going to translate into word composition, my love my sweet.

Next, the Russel Simmons & Sting party?  Clearly it was an event to which Bravo begged Russel to invite the girls, since five out of six of them showed up alleging, "oh!  [spouse] and I came home to a PILE of invitations after the Hamptons, and since it was a WEDNESDAY and there was nothing BETTER to do..."  The Countess and Kelly yawned, while Ramona was uncouth and tactless (and kinda bitchy!), while Silex kind of let their guard down when Alex absent-mindedly whimpered "do we HAVE to wait till Sting [the only person US Weekly would recognize] shows up?"  Simon looked at her with a "we're on camera and how dare you live through the night" glare and saved the trip by making out with Alex and then claiming the only reason their faces were melting was because ALEX WAS SO HOT!  LOL OMG WTF wearefamewhores!

Speaking of Silex's tempestuous romance, we got a little glimpse into the nascent stages:  Alex wasn't looking for anyone.  Simon wasn't looking for anyone.  But they backed into each other online looking to hook up.  Nice use of Craigslist, you New York socialites.  Hahaha, people who started a long-term relationship after a one-night stand are such...  Oh. Um.

LuAnn's idiot countess routine is now a weekly installment, as her patrician ignorance of the neighborhoods south of the Park displayed an aristocratic stupidity that doesn't even exist anymore.  "Where are we?  Is this SoHo?"  I mean, Kelly claimed she lived in SoHo/Little Italy/Chinatown, verbatim, and having lived on Lafayette and White (two blocks South of Canal!) for two years, I get that geographical ambiguity.  Call it SoHo, or call it Tribeca, but don't be an idiot like LuAnn and ask on camera.  The only time that sort of attitude was acceptable was when Big sexily crooned to Carrie on Sex and the City they were below 14th Street, and anything was acceptable.  Sorry Countess, I am only going to respect your money when it comes with an Armani suit and a driver.  Oh, and a penis.

Cherry on the topping: Jill (who has been too absent!) Jewishly screeching at the "squalor" of Silex's house: "How do they have SEX on the top of that bed?  Especially with their kids on the other side of the wawl!!!"  Oh Jill.  You clearly have your priorities straight, and yes, you are still my FAVORITE.  HOUSEWIFE.

PS.  Sweet sassy mo-lassy!  They're making a Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Damn Bravo, you are really taking your satire to a literal sense here (but there goes your six-figure demographic).  But of course I'll watch, so...  

Bling!

Myspace Glitter Graphics

Blinky recap numero dos!

Ah. Everything has come full circle, and the status quo of Housewife Law is in its place (namely, the island of Manhattan). Meaning that this episode was another enthralling chapter in the bildungsroman that is Ramona Singer's life. Ramona was once, twice, three times awesome, and for this ep at least, the stah of the show. First - when she basked in the pool of money, margaritas, and Mario that was her Hamptons estate (which the editors juxtaposed oh so keenly to play right before we saw Silex chill out in THE INFLATABLE POOL THAT THEY BRAGGED ABOUT in their shitty Brooklyn backyard surrounded by concrete and a wire fence and a dilapidated tenement). Second when she actually doled out reasonable dating advice to Bethenny, which the vile LuAnn promptly took as an opportunity to lunge at Ramona's jugular. Thirdly, when Ramona drunkenly bopped at Bethenny's Social Life Hamptons party (if I were Rich here is where I'd insert a gif of the drunken bopping). No wonder she is the only Housewife the ever evasive Kelly agrees to hang out with. Don't let any hater take you down, Ramona. Yes, You Can.

On the other end of this Knickerbocker smorgasbord there was LuAnn, who slipped so far back in to her traditionally lofty Countess milieu that my respect for human kind broke out in hives. At the Hope Lodge, which LuAnn sort of treats like a shrine or a temple or something (since Philanthropy is the official religion of bullshit New York Page Sixers), LuAnn immediately started shrieking about how rude Ramona was to suggest that the Count was an "old man." (Which Ramona didn't - just sayin.) The entire scenario was like watching a drunk Republican Senator kicking a puppy. But how dare Ramona call Count Alex old! To LuAnn's face! In a charity kitchen! In front of the Count-let (who sat their dutifully nodding)! The sheer gall just sent LuAnn on an epileptic tirade, and wouldn't it just. By the way LuAnn, 15 years is a big age difference no matter how old you are. But just for your piece of mind, the fact that you so shrilly retaliated to an innocent comment is in no way indicative of the obvious fact that you and the Count are totally not having sex. Nope, not at all. None.

Oh, then LuAnn sat and scoffed at how hurt and upset Bethenny was at lunch. After LuAnn started singing about retouching Bethenny's Social Life cover instead of congratulating her. I know, LuAnn, some people just really can't let bygones be nonroyal bygones, huh?

Bling!

Blinky recap numbero uno!

Let me just preface this by saying that in no way no how will I ever encapsulate the literary magic that Richard at Gawker seems to sprinkle over any recap. The man is a brilliant spectator of the reality show circus, with an ineffable power to narrate that I would never dare to copy.

Anyway. Regardless. This show just spews too much insanity into American homes for me to stay quiet. The third episode, to my surprise, was still set entirely in the Hamptons. I guess a whole lotta doody went down in West Egg, huh? We got to see Silex gloat over their own sickly pale arachnid bodies in a "sauna;" we got to see the Countess "indulge" her daughter and a few friends over an etiquette luncheon (oh that lucky girl); and we got to see Bethenny run around being the woman I wish I was, dancing dirty with rich gay men and pounding back tequila and looking like a pair of perfect boobs on perfect legs with perfect everything. Seriously, lucky girl.

Even though we haven't gotten back to the Island yet, the women are definitely falling back into their owb archetypes, which brings me such glee. Luann reminded us all that SHE MARRIED AN ARISTO HO HO HO ISN'T THAT RICH NOW WASH MY FEET WITH YOUR TEARS. Her daughter Victoria is shipping off to Count-let school in Bougey-burg Connecticut with a bunch of other girls that were named after queens. Kelly was true to her aloof quest in proving that she's not here to be a Housewife when she filmed more scenes of herself looking at the other women as if they were batshit crazy. Ramona, never one to disappoint, acted batshit crazy. She vehemently denied that she'd help Jill with an arthritis fundraiser until she - wait - remembered he daughter had arthritis. Then she laughed maniacally at Jill's hesitance to join a tennis game while her husband Mario drunkenly looked on and waited to get wasted enough to want to have sex with her. (I'm just hypothesizing how their marriage operates, that's all.)

Oh yeah, she also engaged Governor Patterson in a conversation over who was more blind. FOR REAL, RAMORON???!!! FOR REAL? Also, I feel it appropos to call any blinky with David Patterson in it a BLINKY. You know. Because his eyes are fucked up.

Bling

Ohmygodyouguys. This is how I spent my time at work today. Learning how to make blingees. Expect to see a lot more of THIS glory beautifying up my blog soon. My new resolution is to recap every RHONY episode with a distinct blingee, starting with last night's. Recap coming veeeeeery soon! In the meantime, let's get down with Gay Brad and Ramona at the Hampton's Tea Dance!

You're just jealous.

Two Housewives posts in a row? Why you ask? Because I have been waiting a GD month for this mess. Also, it takes a certain amount of gall for someone to slap recession-raped Americans in the face with a show about rich, flippant women who will pay no heed at all to the death of Wall Street. And for that I feel like I owe someone my attention.

First of all, and most of all, LOL at Alex and Simon. LOL all over their faces. Bethenny said it best when she noted that Alex and Simon probably showed up at the Social Life Hamptons party thinking the event was named for something they could win instead of the magazine actually throwing the soirée. These two are at a point where they totally know their own shtick and are playing it up to the point of unquestionable obnoxiousness. Sure Simon. Sure you're happy in that "Provençale" shack you're going to call a Hampton getaway where you have to crouch in an attic bedroom and pray your kids aren't going to learn how to turn on a 17-year-old TV/VCR unit. Oh God, then they might catch an episode of "Dora the Explorer" and learn Spanish.

Next item: Jill is obviously the star of this show now and for that I thank the Lord. And Cindy Adams of the New York Post.

Next item: Ummm... are these hos pulling a fast one on me? Just when I was signing out my praises for the NYC women's faithfulness to their own persona Ramona says something intelligent and LuAnn takes off her countess tiara if only long enough to be fair and impartial. WTF is going ON here? I hope this twisted turn into reality doesn't last long. Probably once the girls return to the Island, Ramona will go back to thinking she's Carrie Bradshaw and LuAnn will go back to thinking she's Queen Frostine.

Next item: Ugh. Someone please hit the snooze button on the new girl. Kelly's the only real socialite of the crowd, which means she isn't here for the free spa trips or bar hops or (as the old reality adage goes) to make friends. She's here because she's an editor at Elle and as soon as Nina Garcia turned into a psycho and "Project Runway" jumped ship from Bravo's collateral, the executives had to placate the magazine somehow. Kelly is a fan of being surrounded by men ("gay men, bisexual men, straight men..."), having people hang out by her pool in their riding boots, and staring with the same facial expression as someone who fell asleep under a heat lamp. Done. Next.

Whatever guys. The important thing is that I once again got a chance to judge these women I secretly want to be and Bethenny imparted more wisdom on us through her glassy drunky warbles. Cheers to this season.