Erin go bragh

Today I left work early, stole some codeine from the boy, and parked it in bed all day because a wretched virus or something is waging a relentless war on my abdomen. All the painkillers and "Wife Swap" episodes on my DVR queue still hasn't cured me of my nausea, and I'm hoping that I'll be alien baby-free by tomorrow for St. Patty's Day. If there's anything I'm proud of what I was inherently born with, it's my Irish roots. Which give me a biological constitution to act like a drunken idiot and get irrationally indignant.

I was going to make a playlist, but I gotta admit that this one's a little thin. There's a wealth of Irish songs that are fun to sing when you're fumbling through a Jameson's-induced stupor, but these are the ones that I'm not ashamed to say I have on my iPod (the rest I will share when you and I are both at a point where it will not be remembered the next morning).

1. The Boxer One of my favorite songs in high school. Also every time I hear the line "Caught the downfall of Jack and Jill, Ryan too," I think they're singing "Pete and Meg, Brian too," and then I think the song is about Family Guy.
   
2. Love You Till the End Unfortunately the lead singer of the Pogues has a mug that's clearly taken a harder hit from drinking than his liver. Regardless, the Pogues are an incredible band (who I missed! this weekend!) that play simply the best modern Irish stuff I've ever heard. They also did "Fairytale of New York," which I listed in my Totally Rad Christmas Mix.


3. Sunday Bloody Sunday This is a song about 27 civil rights protestors being killed for their political beliefs in Northern Ireland. Also, a car bomb is a drink wherein you drop a shot of Jameson's (or Bailey's) into a glass of Guinness and chug it. Making light of revolutionary integrity and political violence is what St. Patrick's Day, and Irish American conscience, is all about. Sláinte!
   
4. Dreams Like "Sunday Bloody Sunday," this song isn't really musically "Irish." It's modern and reminds me of being in the fourth grade and being forced to listen to my mom's Cranberries tape whenever we were in the car. But when it comes from a nation whose only global contribution is slapstick theater, Guinness, and the cautionary tale of how to NOT ignore birth control, I'll proudly call the Cranberries the music of my people.


5. Galway Girl This song makes me want to dance around with a hot Irish man and drink my face off and then make a stupid decision.
   
6. Shipping Up to Boston I never saw The Departed the whole way through because I'm not good with gratuitous violence. Oops.
   
7. C'est la Vie Unquestionably the most integral composition in the history of Gaelic music. It's important to note that Irish people can only be successful internationally if they incorporate more sophisticated stuff, like French words, into their music.

Buy my domestic bliss

Yall, I'm movin! It is time for me to bid adieu to my totally impractical Brooklyn apartment and haul ass (and lots of other shit that's going to burn a god damn crater in my credit line) over to a brand spankin' sexy new flat in Washington Heights.

The move makes me anxious for a handful of reasons: I'll be living on my own; I'll be paying more rent while not sharing utilities; I'm not sure how my neighbors will take to the black tar heroin ring I operate from home... Most of all, my palms are sweatin over the dollars I'll have to spend. I'll be breaking bank not only for the inter-island schlep, but also for the myriad of abstracts that I still need to, like, live.

I was joking with my friend Amytang that I'm going to have a housewarming party for which I'll create a gift registry at Urban Outfitters, Ikea, Bed Bath & Beyond, and the like. It started out as a joke but the more I consider how fucking sparse my inventory is, I'm beginning to take it very seriously. So without further ado, here is how you can contribute to the Katelyn Lahr Apartment Foundation:

1. Coat rack Unfortunately there is a terrific lack of closet space in the new digs, but ample entryway. I like it in light blue, okay guys?
2. Mattress pad Now that I'm not living in an 8'x8' sleeping cubby, I can turn my twin size bed into something that the MTV would call "where the magic happens." My magic (read: Facebooking, sleeping, and occassionally eating pickles) needs proper lumbar support and queen-sized rolling area.
3. Pots and pans Because in the new apartment, unlike in Brooklyn now, I will NOT be making bestfriends with that guy from Sapporo Haru who delivers my sushi and seems eerily content with making a 20-minute trip in 14-degree weather.
4. Curtains It's curtains for me! Nyah hahahaha. I think these seafoam guys have the potential to look either very happy or like a hospital treatment.
5. A dresser Or wardrobe. Totes loves this mirrored one from Pier 1:

6. Quilts, pillows, comfies I really love the stuff Urban has, but I cannot justify paying twice the amount I spend on groceries on fucking fluff stuffed in fabric. Still... this Russian doll bedspread is criminally precious.

7. A microwave Can you believe I don't have one? Why? Who am I?

8. Some pretty paper laterns I think I'm a little too fond of paper lanterns. They're nice and they emit a warm glow, that's for sure, but they kind of scream "I'm a white girl who's trying to make my dorm room look classy."

9. Something to get me started Duh. And my new neighborhood juice emporium delivers! Hurrah!
10. A kitteh I'm going to be so lonesome! (sad face) Allegedly no pets are allowed in the building, but when I looked at the place the first go-round a woman was on her way out to take her pooch for a walk. I think if she can keep a yappy terrier I can smuggle in a four-pound something that confines itself to one apartment, poos and pees in a box, and never makes sound except to hiss at me when I'm drunk. I'm doin it.

Top 10 Characters of 2008

10. Jonathan Rhys Meyers: He totally out-douched himself as Henry VIII on the second season of The Tudors, which returned this year as the porniest thing besides Californication that was allowed on TV. I guess he tied this spot with Natalie Dormer, who played a totally kick-ass, painfully beautiful Anne Boleyn. And much better than Natalie Portman did.

9. Megan: Rock of Love's Megan inspired just way too much hatred from me to be excluded from this list. Megan defines the profile of that girl who knows she can use a rockin bod to get, like, whatEVER she wants (and yes, I'm only saying that because I'm jealous). Consequently, she wears nothing but teeny weeny bikinis everywhere (seriously, everywhere) and tries to carbon copy Paris Hilton by walking around with a smug grin and a dressed-up chihuahua. Unlike Paris, however, she does not stop imbibing, which gives her constant ceiling eyes, and she seems to be unaware that her 15 minutes will be up as soon as Vh1 cuts the cord on this ridiculous batch of incestuous reality show characters. PS: thanks much to Sharon Osbourne for giving Megan just a fraction of what I wish I could.

8. Heather: Heather is definitely the undisputed heathen queen of Vh1 - I will forever sing her praises (until, you know, like, Vh1 realizes they can only ride on the same four reality shows for so long). Unfortunately I missed her breathtaking performance in the first season of Rock of Love, which included Steph's faves like the "yumola" oyster scene and a joyride through some of the most ridiculous hairstyles imaginable. I think this little vignette sums it up perfectly. Regardless, in 2008, Bret's old flame championed through a second round of RoL 2, I Love Money, and Charm School, kicking Daisy's ass, hating Megan, hating Megan some more, and ultimately faltering under the marijuana ban they imposed on the set of Charm School. Hows about a 21-gun salute for our fallen pothead stripper soldier.

7. Christian Siriano: Bar-none the most talented, innovative, and awe-inspiring designer on Project Runway. After his victory the show clearly began to meet its demise, so it was only appropriate that he gave ProjRun its defining peak. Plus, he gets definite bonus points for being a total featherweight twink that defines his edge with such catch phrases as "tickety tack" and "fierce." (Yep, sorry Tyra, but Christian totally swept that carpet from out under your feet.)

6. Wall-E: This little robot almost pissed me off in his sheer adorableness and vulnerably good heart. Jesus. For three straight days back in July, I couldn't stop being all like "oooowaaaaaallleeeeeeee."

5. Jemaine Clement: Yes, Jemaine, yes it IS business time.

4. NeNe Leakes: "Caution to the wind, bras be damned" was this lady's mantra. If there was ever one woman in the Housewife collection who I'd want to hang with, it would most surely be NeNe. As her awesomely colorful voice was a pleasure to imitate among friends, she gave us such quotable gems as "don't be tardy to this party," and "close your legs to married men," and "TRASHY HOOKER." Her eccentricity completely made up for the fact that she kinda got hilariously drunk and kinda hilariously ripped on her "best friend" in a limo one night... especially since her best friend was totally self-deluded and self-centered. Whatever. NeNe, you're the lady.

3. Ramona Singer: aka "Ramoron." I seriously think this lady is full-on retarded. However, Ramona has definitely been my favorite housewife thus far in Bravo's whole series. Though NeNe is surely spunky and "three-snaps-in-the-Z-formation" enough for me, Ramona was just too faithful and too sincere in her ridiculousness to forget. She sort of reminded me of that aunt you had that loved to be around girls, and spoil them with outlandish tea parties, or try and infiltrate their adolescent teen pop world and be the "cool mom." She refused to be painted as anything but the perennially young Manhattan party girl, and in my book she gets immediate points for style and consistency.

2. Don Draper: This man needs no explanation. Even if I knew he's had careless, unprotected sex with scores of uppity brunettes, wastes his lungs and liver away on packs of Lucky Strikes and old-fashioneds, and based his entire life on a lie about his identity... yeah... I'd still hit that.

1. Barack Obama: Duh. That one.

A Very Katelyn Kristmas Mix

(At first I was going to call this Katelyn's Kickass Kristmas Mix but then I realized how, ya know, supremacist that looked.)

So because the economy is in the crapper I'm creating a songlist this season instead of a wishlist. For, instead of receiving material goods from kith and kin, I'd rather bestow the joy of song to those whom I love. Obviously that's laughably untrue but regardless I've listed the yuletide tunes you should seriously consider buying on iTunes (ordownloadingofflimewire). A lot of them are covers, which means yes, I think my generation is better than yours, Gramps. Suck it. Merry Chrismukkah!

1. "So this is Christmas" by Acceptance
• If John Lennon punted a baby from the top of a car I still wouldn't have anything bad to say about him, but this treatment of his idealistic holiday message simply sounds like what Lennon wanted it to be. Acoustic, simple, and honest.
2. "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses
• It saddens me that as I get older my life starts to resemble the story in this song more and more.
• Also, the Spice Girls did a cover of this song. I loves me some zigaziga but zigazigBARF.
3. "The Little Drummer Boy" by Lou Rawls
• Whenever I see Lou Rawls' name I sort of imagine that he's a lolcat, like his name is "LAWLZ." Anyway, he has a tasty crooney voice that makes me want to drink bourbon.
4. "Christmastime is Here" by the Peanuts
• When I think of real Christmas, like back in the years when I wasn't burdened fiscally, and erego drinking my face off, this song was the epitome of Christmas at the Lahr house. Vince Guaraldi truly was an amazing composer, and so emblematic of that early 60s jazzy thought tank. Ann Reilly was never happy unless she had the entire house decorated, her dogs reluctantly dressed as reindeer, and this song playing in the background.
5. "Little Drummer Boy/ Peace on Earth" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
• Nothing says the birth of our lord like an effeminate British cross dresser collaborating with an old white man that speaks to his kids with his belt.
6. "Last Christmas" by Wham
• Those of you close enough to know some of my more intimate escapades know that there's a special spot in my heart for George Michael. There always will be because there are memories I just can't seem to burn (much as I try). But even setting the Father Figure aside, it's just a catchy song - Jimmy Eat World has a great version, too.
7. "Nutmeg" by John Legend
• Although A Colbert Christmas wasn't scathingly hilarious, I did appreciate this sultry number from John Legend. It kinda was the story of my Thanksgiving this year, when I realized I suck at every domestic task except getting people drunk. I made these killer eggnogs, and as Legend declares, while some spiced rum (I say brandy) is vital, it's the seasoning that gets you screaming during drunk Scattergories.
8. "Merry Fucking Christmas" by Mr. Garrison
• If someone ever wishes you a "happy holiday," you should punch them right in their fucking non-American face.
9. "Feed the World" by Far with Chino Moreno
• Everyone loves a chorus of 80s recording artists here and there singin out to stop AIDS or whatever, but, yeah, I'd like my PSAs withOUT Dionne Warwick, thankyouverymuch.
10. "Christmas Canon" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
• There are few things that inspire my ire more than TSO (this awful video is one of them), but I can't help but like a little choir of English kids singing about Haysoos.
11. "Jingle Bell Rock" by the Plastics
• They do it every year.
12. "Christmas is all Around" by Billy Mack
• Love Actually is one of the top 5 greatest holiday movies ever created. For seriously. I probably wouldn't say that if I didn't have a set of ovaries, but it's hard for me to watch it and NOT want to immediately board a plane to London and shack up with a gorgeous British man. "Christmas is all Around" is the perfect anthem for such shameless intercontinental propaganda.
13. "What's This" by Jack Skellington
• Danny Elfman truly is a master at his craft, and this movie blows my mind even when I look at it OUTSIDE 1993 standards.
14. "I Wish it was Christmas Today" by Horatio Sanz
• A few years back, Horatio Sanz performed one of the most adorable little tunes I have ever heard on SNL and rarely performed it afterward, citing Lorne Michael's distaste for the song as the reason he hardly got to do it live. Unfortunately, the clip is fucking near IMPOSSIBLE to find online, but the hyperlink above leads to the best recreation I came across. First, picture all those dudes in Christmas sweaters, on the SNL stage, with fake snow falling. The guy with the guitar is really Horatio, in black horn-rimmed glasses, and the guitar is really a ukulele. The guy playing the keyboard is Jimmy Fallon, making dinosaur sound effects. The guy holding the keyboard is Chris Kattan (dancing just so). The guy on the far right in the bonnet is Tracy Morgan, dancing like that but just more Tracy Morgany, and with lipgloss. Ugh. SOMEONE PLEASE FIND THE REAL CLIP. I will give you my first born child.
15. "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues with Kristy MacColl
• Bar none my favorite Christmas song of all time. It's Irish, it's drunken, it's New Yorky, and even though its singers are ugly as sin the song itself is beautiful. Not enough people know this song.

What would life be without prepubescent surveys circulating on Facebook?

To whom did you last give the finger to?
A priest.


If you had one thousand dollars, what would you buy?
150 12-packs of either Diet Coke or Bud Light.


What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
Rum and diet. Or Christian Bale. I can't remember.


Where were you last night around 9:30?
Your mother's Hyundai Elantra.


How was the last egg you prepared?
Fertilized. ZING. (actually - that's gross)


Last song you listened to?
"Lovestoned"


Are you a forgiving person?
Yes. Provided there's a monetary supplement involved.


Last thing you drank?
The sweet nectar of the fountain of youth.


What is your current mood?
Drunky Malunkies.


What do you hear right now?
"Summer Love" (an ode to the only acquaintance of mine for whom I'd switch teams: AMYTANG)


Are you sarcastic?
....


Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Hellz yeah. How else would we learn? I mean get laid?


What do you do when you have a bad day?
A case, all by myself.


Pick a word that begins with the first letter of your first name?
Kangaroo bop.


How many states have you lived in?
Two. Unless you count the state of misunderstanding


Have you ever caught anything on fire?

My house maybe?
(I think this question means to ask have you ever SET anything else on fire, to which my answer would be "half the panties in Manhattan")


How long is your hair when it's wet?
That's what she said.


How many bathrooms are in your house?
Porto potties all the way, m'friend.


What was the last thing you took a bite of?
How wrong would it be to make two "your mom" jokes in one survey?


Do you drink soda?
Only if it's chased by a hearty glass of Bacardi.


What are you thinking about right now?
Dollas.


Have you ever been on an airplane?
A what?


Marriage in your future?
Who's askin?


Do you like your life?
Considering I was just violently ejected from from Slackoffwhileyourparentspay University. No, not at the moment.


Do you know anyone whose name starts with a Z?
Only this Mayor of Fox City.


Have you kissed in the rain?
Yeah, but I was compensated handsomely for it.


What are you doing tomorrow?
Tons of hot women. And maybe some Text Twist.


When is your birthday?
TODAY. Plz 2 hav caek?


Whats your favorite drink?
I could no sooner choose a favorite star in the heavens.


Do you have a job?
I don't want no scrubs. But seriously, only until I find a nice manz to pay for my addictions.


Do you like to read?
I read women like I read books.


Are you a nerd at heart?
Maybe in bed because I can never seem to stop giggling nervously.


What music do you listen to?
Same shit as the stuff to which I was conceived, I'm sure.

New Favorites! Or, longest post ever.

1. NOT eating avocado roll every day. For srsly. I love buying my groceries, making dinners and packing lunches (even if it's just sandwiches since we never called the gas company) and saving myself that $10/day. The economy is wack, yall. Your girl can't be wastin G's on anything other than hooch.

2. Summer film festival in Bryant Park. There's nothing like getting off work, heading straight to (probably) my favorite place in Manhattan - Bryant Park, eating cheese, getting wasted on the lawn, and waiting to watch a dumb old-timey movie. The past few times I've gone the films have been boring as H-E-double hockey sticks, but being able to lie back and stare at the tips of sky scrapers under a totally open sky, hearing the far-off sounds of cosmopolitanism, and listening to the crackly mid-century voices of Turner Classic movie stars is really surreal. I tend to get a little TOO drunkies, and once all the wine's done I decide to sing theme songs or mock people on neighboring blankets loudly, and that spending 45 minutes on a train rather than finishing a story I haven't paid attention to is more important, but regardless, the two hours prior are golden summer moments. (Also, props to NYC Parks Commission for making the bathrooms there literally look like bathrooms at the fucking Rainbow Room. Yes. I've tried them. Two toilet paper rolls up!)

3. Going home. I used to come down on myself for being too much of a baby to not stay in the city for more than a month or two at a time, but fuck that. My family rocks hardcore, my mom's a hot ass bitch, and we threw a fucking kick-ass party at our joint this weekend. I come from one hot brood, yall.

4. Being employed. Duh.

5. VH1's new dark horse I Love Money. I know I said I was so disappointed in VH1 in my last post, and to be truthful, I am. The way they pinch off no-fuss reality shit shows, recycling tired old characters who we can all clock in at 15:01, really bastardizes the great channel I grew up with. And the title? "I Love Money"? Holy shit, VH1, you never cease to astound us with the things you come up with. Especially because 75% of your programming now starts with "I Love ___" or is book-ended as "Best ___ Ever."

But I digress. The title of this post is "New Favorites," and I must admit that since I try everything once (thatswhatshesaid) I HAVE lent VH1's new craptacular experiment the privilege of my attention. And - oh shit - I'm hooked. Natch. It's like MTV's Real World/ Road Rules Challenge, except everyone comes in already being hilarious - ain't no semblance of dignity here. What's more, it actually looks like (despite their ruthless efforts to become real actors) people actually seem to get along! Here's a video of the first contestant to get the boot talkin some sexist STD smack. Oh, Midget Mac you will (not) be missed, you bite-size little nugget of douche.

VH1 TV Shows

Music Videos

Celebrity Photos

News & Gossip

6. My neighborhood. For the longest time I thought that I had rushed into settling into anapartment in which I'd never be fully content, mainly because it was like eons from the L (or the G) train and way too close to the BQE. I thought the only thing that surrounded me was a Staples, a McDonalds, and really really shitty fall-out shelter type delis that were only good for selling candy bars and mediocre Boar's Head. But tis not so. Recent excursions have brought me around greater Greenpoint (which really is only in the opposite direction of the L - shame on my nonadventurous self!), and I've discovered it's actually SO lovely. And I actually CAN access a grocery store and laundry place. I've been running (yeah you heard me!) around McGolrick Park, which is flanked by two very pretty churches, a 19th-century public school, and tons of trees. Inside the park are really gorgeous paths littered with benches, some gorgeous statues, a neoclassical pavillion, a dog run, and billions of kids riding bikes and catching fireflies. Sound fruity? It totally is. But it's so much better than the situation I thought I was in. Brooklyn, I actually DO heart you. And if you need any more evidence that Greenpoint does not equal shithole, then check out this dude's little vignettes on the hood in Lost City, which include two McGolrick park inhabitants: the "Luncheonette/Fountain" corpse and the Palace Cafe. Which I have yet to try.

7. Speaking of - Lost City! Loves how this guy unearths the past of some facades of what we'd typically refer to as tack city - or look past all together. I'm puttin this bitch in Babylinks.

8. Boys you can find state side. Take it from Estelle, Kanye, and my new favorite jam: