I don't think she really said that actually

But whatever.

Total knock out

My new favorite beauty product (which is rare for me to have because I rarely spring on cosmetics before I spring on alcohol/shoes/coffee) is KO's nail polish. This stuff is BUH-MAZING, guys. It's what they call "flatte," and what we call ultimate matte. It's really chalky and soft kind of how you'd expect house paint to dry on your nails. Sounds unattractive, but it actually stays well on the digits and (although it can chip easy) doesn't look any different than a good manicure. It only comes in black, white, and frosty pink. Which is all I wear. And since these babies are $22 a pop, I'm OK with that.

You're just jealous.

Two Housewives posts in a row? Why you ask? Because I have been waiting a GD month for this mess. Also, it takes a certain amount of gall for someone to slap recession-raped Americans in the face with a show about rich, flippant women who will pay no heed at all to the death of Wall Street. And for that I feel like I owe someone my attention.

First of all, and most of all, LOL at Alex and Simon. LOL all over their faces. Bethenny said it best when she noted that Alex and Simon probably showed up at the Social Life Hamptons party thinking the event was named for something they could win instead of the magazine actually throwing the soirée. These two are at a point where they totally know their own shtick and are playing it up to the point of unquestionable obnoxiousness. Sure Simon. Sure you're happy in that "Provençale" shack you're going to call a Hampton getaway where you have to crouch in an attic bedroom and pray your kids aren't going to learn how to turn on a 17-year-old TV/VCR unit. Oh God, then they might catch an episode of "Dora the Explorer" and learn Spanish.

Next item: Jill is obviously the star of this show now and for that I thank the Lord. And Cindy Adams of the New York Post.

Next item: Ummm... are these hos pulling a fast one on me? Just when I was signing out my praises for the NYC women's faithfulness to their own persona Ramona says something intelligent and LuAnn takes off her countess tiara if only long enough to be fair and impartial. WTF is going ON here? I hope this twisted turn into reality doesn't last long. Probably once the girls return to the Island, Ramona will go back to thinking she's Carrie Bradshaw and LuAnn will go back to thinking she's Queen Frostine.

Next item: Ugh. Someone please hit the snooze button on the new girl. Kelly's the only real socialite of the crowd, which means she isn't here for the free spa trips or bar hops or (as the old reality adage goes) to make friends. She's here because she's an editor at Elle and as soon as Nina Garcia turned into a psycho and "Project Runway" jumped ship from Bravo's collateral, the executives had to placate the magazine somehow. Kelly is a fan of being surrounded by men ("gay men, bisexual men, straight men..."), having people hang out by her pool in their riding boots, and staring with the same facial expression as someone who fell asleep under a heat lamp. Done. Next.

Whatever guys. The important thing is that I once again got a chance to judge these women I secretly want to be and Bethenny imparted more wisdom on us through her glassy drunky warbles. Cheers to this season.

At least it's not Celebreality

This weekend when I wasn't losing a battle with my kitchen trying to cook a three-course meal, I was doing what I normally do to forget about the fact that I'm broke: watching the nonstop loop of the same four programs on Bravo. Since it's ending tomorrow to make way for the most awesome series ever, the last few episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County aired, and below are my final judgments. Because the reason reality TV was invented is for people like me to rehash it out on blogs that hold no lasting cultural relevance.

The OC girls, as I've said before, are entertaining merely because they're all outrageously insidious and self conscious. However, I think the reason they don't measure up to the NYC girls for me (aside from the fact that I live in New York myself and have an allergic reaction to Southern California) is because they tend to be a little inconsistent. If I liked these girls to begin with, they somehow ended up letting me down, and vice versa. On the other hand, I will ALWAYS love Jill Zarin, ALWAYS scoff at Alex McCord, and ALWAYS think Ramona Singer has lost it. And lo, the following are my comprehensive opinions about our West Coast compatriots.

Jeana Jeana is oozing with insecurity and it hurts my heart. It also makes her scenes extremely difficult to watch. Jeana is sweet on the outside and has the semblance of the most rational women in the OC with her docile manner and her sage wisdom. She only occasionally makes snarky comments, but more-than-occasionally makes very non-confrontational judgments. Her inability to stand up for herself is most evident - and most frustrating - in her interactions with her kids. The way she lets her rancid sons verbally rip her apart is just. fucking. appalling. I used to be really turned off by feminists, but it's women like this that remind me what we have to lose in a simple abusive relationship. Blech.

Tamra Someone at Bravo envisioned the profile of the perfectly lofty entitled Orange County wife, and Tamra Barney embodies it. She's really good at sabotaging people. With tequila. And using all the stupid shit they did when they were drunk against them in a court of blond judgmental women. Of all the OC housewives, she's the one who most resembles your best friend from seventh grade: she laughs with you, tells you how hot you are, and goes shopping for a dress to wear to the dance with you. But then she goes home to text the boy you have a crush on, send a blow to your self-esteem in a three-way calling attack, and write in her diary about how big your ass looked in that dress. In other words, I really like Tamra, but damn, bitch is straight outta Mean Girls.

Vicki I think Vicki is sort of the top dog of the OC housewives. Funny enough, Vicki also thinks Vicki is sort of the top dog of the OC housewives. Vicki's trademark is harping on about how hard and constantly she works, which really is a commendable feat considering how faithful she is to her responsibility of filming a reality show for Bravo - dutifully going to all the restaurants, spas, and nightclubs she needs to film her scenes. It disappoints me to see how poorly Vicki handles her relationship with her family, especially her husband Don. She excludes him from almost everything she does, and it's clear that Don just gets through it by downing another Corona and laughing about it. Drink up, Don, drink up.

Lynne Just as I do with all the other housewives, I have mixed feelings about Lynne. Because overall, this lady seems to have wandered into this whole mess in the midst of a hashish trip. She genuinely doesn't seem to have any ill feelings toward anyone, and has very rarely made a hurtful comment about anyone, behind their back or to their face. Her relationship with her husband is so adorably real and her Jessica Simpson inspired comments are silly at best. However. I think this woman lets her peyote habit get in the way of her consciousness that she's on national TV. Yeah, her kids are a little out of control - and they're very typical of a normal American situation - but Lynne sort of lets it slide. Like, lady, are you going to even TRY to discipline these girls? Because much as the fog of THC is clouding your vision, there are about a couple thousand women out there right now who are judging your face off. Including single, childless women. Like me. Put down the bong and take that girl's keys, because she just raided your liquor closet.

Gretchen I was really rooting for this lady from the start, which was tough in light of all the criticism she was getting, including from the all-knowing Bethenny Frankel (thegreatesthousewifeEVER). Like Lynn, Gretchen honestly seems benign (no cancer pun intended). You may call it Anna Nicole behavior, but to me Gretchen did seem honestly concerned for fiancé's leukemia and sincerely in love with him. I'm sure there were tons of days where the camera's didn't follow her into the hospital when she visited him, since the hospital doesn't have pinot grigio flowing and blond bitches fighting, but it's suspicious how often Gretchen managed to run off on little trips with the girls. As the season went on, it got a little tiring to hear her make that "I need to get away from stress of the hospital" excuse and you had to begin to wonder how quickly Jeff was whithering away in whiles. He ended up passing away in September, and the amount of promotional material that was quite obviously filmed afterward, in which Gretchen has a breezy smile on her face, is pretty fishy. Lauri Waring Peterson quit filming in the middle of the season to help fight her son's heroin addiction, and, you know... just sayin, Gretch.

I guess when all's said and done, I'm just really looking forward to trading in short and shiny minidresses against a sunset for some tasteful LBDs in high rises.

Still not Perez

I was just thinking about Valentine's Day last year, and how I had just started this blog. When I went back to take a look at my first post, I realized that today is this blog's first anniversary. Happy Birthday, Bloggylegs!

Why I'm going to exploit my kids

... because whoring your children out to YouTube is not parentally irresponsible; it's socially generous. Just because the insanity of these kids is on display for all the world to ridicule it doesn't mean mom and dad love them any less. Two children have recently affirmed these feelings of mine. Even Anderson Cooper is getting into this crap!

1. Kitten girl. A lot of people are going to tell you that this video was totally scripted and manipulated by the kitten girl's parents. You know, even if it was, I totally believe that the commentary all came straight from the kid. It's the kind of weird, random, too-mature-for-its-own-age-at-times tone that can only come from a 6-year-old.



2. David after the Dentist. If you're ever at a party with me tokin a fatty and you offer me a hit, this is exactly why I will vehemently refuse. The second I learned how to inhale, this is what I looked like five minutes later. I totally sympathize with the need to let out a primal scream, wondering if I was part of real life, and hopelessly pondering "is this going to be forever?"

Stump

Congratulations to the best official pup on the face of the earth, Ch Clussexxx Three D Grinchy Glee, aka Stump. Stump won the title of Best in Show at Westminster partially for displaying outstanding marks in the standard of his breed (the Sussex Spaniel) but mostly for having a name that was obviously scrawled on his papers by a drunkard. He is also the oldest pooch ever to achieve this accomplishment, because he's SEVENTY in doggy years.

My mom called me last night to announce that she is now hell-bent on getting a Sussex Spaniel, even though she understands that there are only about 29 in the entire world and now the price of a puppy is probably marked around the same as her mortgage payment.

Six degrees

Last night, after Obama's press conference, shouty Chris Matthews had a live midnight episode of Hardball. I'll admit, I was only watching MSNBC because I heard the Westminster Dog Show was on. But anyway, Matthews was interviewing Kevin Bacon, who stars in a new film as a lieutenant colonel who escorts the remains of a fallen soldier from Iraq to Wyoming. He was sitting next to the real man he played in the movie, Lt. Col. Strobl. Strobl was talking about the tight community of the Marine Corps when he said, "the 'six degrees of separation' comes to my mind for some reason right now" Uhhh... maybe it's because YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO KEVIN BACON.

Here's the video. Hilarious "duh" moment sets in around 6:08.

Things that are awesome (besides the internet in my aprartment)

Why am I sitting at home writing on a blog at 10:30 on a Saturday night? Because I can! Because the Time Warner technician came! All rejoice! (Is it in any way shallow and spoiled of me, by the way, to be this over the moon for finally getting cable in my apartment?)

It might also because I am broke as a joke after this move. It might also because I'm bad at winning friends and influencing people.

I don't know. Let's discuss my new two favorite things this week, both of which are courtesy of Steph.

1. Dooce. The blog that only puts more pressure on my 22-year-old bioclock to get married and settle into precious domesticity as soon as possible. I love everything about Heather Armstrong's website, from her whimsical design to her breathtaking, modest photographs to her hilarious flair for writing about her family and homelife.

2. Coraline. I didn't know anything about the book before I saw this truly inspired stop-motion movie, but I was really captivated by what a horrific dreamworld Neil Gaiman had imagined. There was a lot of goodness that I could gush about in this film, from the goth-ly playful soundtrack to Coraline's kick-ass nail polish (which I own in "Electrify" and you can find at Urban Outfitters). What I really appreciated though was, despite the PG rating, that the story seemed to be ripped from the inventory of my seven-year-old nightmares. The grim images in that movie were just so jarring and uncanny to the sort of things I thought only my messed up mind came up with during childhood.

And re: 3D. What a strange comeback, no? I can't help but attribute this silly phenomenon to the "depression" that everyone's so wont to prescribe. Looking at a theater full of intelligent people gawking through 3D glasses simply reminds me of the resigned simplicity of early twentieth century America: post-Depression, post-WWII, deluding itself into believing that watching stuff in 3D and furnishing diners in chrome was stepping into the future. Well, Ike Administraion, you called it! 50 years later, Madison Avenue is jamming two-toned glasses in our faces just so we can watch the Super Bowl. Take that, ya damn Soviets.

3. Oh, also awesome: Charlie Wilson's War. Not having the internets or moneys = watching a lot of DVDs. OK?

Babylegos

Today my friend Charlene posted a link to this genius photo album on a Times blog. I thought since I haven't updated in a while - considering I'm still in the throes of my glorious, life changing move up to the Heights (and still don't have the interwebz) - I would share this with yall. I think it's pretty accordant with what I'm thinking about lately. My situation in the new apartment has really put me on Cloud Nine for the past few weeks and totally allowed me to appreciate this great city for what it is. It's amazing what crawling out from under the BQE can do for a person.

Hats off to Christopher Niemann for positing such urban delight in legos. AKA the best thing God ever invented.