A Very Katelyn Kristmas Mix

(At first I was going to call this Katelyn's Kickass Kristmas Mix but then I realized how, ya know, supremacist that looked.)

So because the economy is in the crapper I'm creating a songlist this season instead of a wishlist. For, instead of receiving material goods from kith and kin, I'd rather bestow the joy of song to those whom I love. Obviously that's laughably untrue but regardless I've listed the yuletide tunes you should seriously consider buying on iTunes (ordownloadingofflimewire). A lot of them are covers, which means yes, I think my generation is better than yours, Gramps. Suck it. Merry Chrismukkah!

1. "So this is Christmas" by Acceptance
• If John Lennon punted a baby from the top of a car I still wouldn't have anything bad to say about him, but this treatment of his idealistic holiday message simply sounds like what Lennon wanted it to be. Acoustic, simple, and honest.
2. "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses
• It saddens me that as I get older my life starts to resemble the story in this song more and more.
• Also, the Spice Girls did a cover of this song. I loves me some zigaziga but zigazigBARF.
3. "The Little Drummer Boy" by Lou Rawls
• Whenever I see Lou Rawls' name I sort of imagine that he's a lolcat, like his name is "LAWLZ." Anyway, he has a tasty crooney voice that makes me want to drink bourbon.
4. "Christmastime is Here" by the Peanuts
• When I think of real Christmas, like back in the years when I wasn't burdened fiscally, and erego drinking my face off, this song was the epitome of Christmas at the Lahr house. Vince Guaraldi truly was an amazing composer, and so emblematic of that early 60s jazzy thought tank. Ann Reilly was never happy unless she had the entire house decorated, her dogs reluctantly dressed as reindeer, and this song playing in the background.
5. "Little Drummer Boy/ Peace on Earth" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
• Nothing says the birth of our lord like an effeminate British cross dresser collaborating with an old white man that speaks to his kids with his belt.
6. "Last Christmas" by Wham
• Those of you close enough to know some of my more intimate escapades know that there's a special spot in my heart for George Michael. There always will be because there are memories I just can't seem to burn (much as I try). But even setting the Father Figure aside, it's just a catchy song - Jimmy Eat World has a great version, too.
7. "Nutmeg" by John Legend
• Although A Colbert Christmas wasn't scathingly hilarious, I did appreciate this sultry number from John Legend. It kinda was the story of my Thanksgiving this year, when I realized I suck at every domestic task except getting people drunk. I made these killer eggnogs, and as Legend declares, while some spiced rum (I say brandy) is vital, it's the seasoning that gets you screaming during drunk Scattergories.
8. "Merry Fucking Christmas" by Mr. Garrison
• If someone ever wishes you a "happy holiday," you should punch them right in their fucking non-American face.
9. "Feed the World" by Far with Chino Moreno
• Everyone loves a chorus of 80s recording artists here and there singin out to stop AIDS or whatever, but, yeah, I'd like my PSAs withOUT Dionne Warwick, thankyouverymuch.
10. "Christmas Canon" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
• There are few things that inspire my ire more than TSO (this awful video is one of them), but I can't help but like a little choir of English kids singing about Haysoos.
11. "Jingle Bell Rock" by the Plastics
• They do it every year.
12. "Christmas is all Around" by Billy Mack
• Love Actually is one of the top 5 greatest holiday movies ever created. For seriously. I probably wouldn't say that if I didn't have a set of ovaries, but it's hard for me to watch it and NOT want to immediately board a plane to London and shack up with a gorgeous British man. "Christmas is all Around" is the perfect anthem for such shameless intercontinental propaganda.
13. "What's This" by Jack Skellington
• Danny Elfman truly is a master at his craft, and this movie blows my mind even when I look at it OUTSIDE 1993 standards.
14. "I Wish it was Christmas Today" by Horatio Sanz
• A few years back, Horatio Sanz performed one of the most adorable little tunes I have ever heard on SNL and rarely performed it afterward, citing Lorne Michael's distaste for the song as the reason he hardly got to do it live. Unfortunately, the clip is fucking near IMPOSSIBLE to find online, but the hyperlink above leads to the best recreation I came across. First, picture all those dudes in Christmas sweaters, on the SNL stage, with fake snow falling. The guy with the guitar is really Horatio, in black horn-rimmed glasses, and the guitar is really a ukulele. The guy playing the keyboard is Jimmy Fallon, making dinosaur sound effects. The guy holding the keyboard is Chris Kattan (dancing just so). The guy on the far right in the bonnet is Tracy Morgan, dancing like that but just more Tracy Morgany, and with lipgloss. Ugh. SOMEONE PLEASE FIND THE REAL CLIP. I will give you my first born child.
15. "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues with Kristy MacColl
• Bar none my favorite Christmas song of all time. It's Irish, it's drunken, it's New Yorky, and even though its singers are ugly as sin the song itself is beautiful. Not enough people know this song.

Quantumz lolz

Since I am very late to embrace cultural phenomena, I decided on Friday to go see Quantum of Solace, the latest Austin Powers installment. It was a little adventurous on my part, namely because I sort of eschew both the Bond franchise and Daniel Craig. I'm dodging stones here, but I had a very low opinion of them as overrated, boring, and pretentious.

That is, until I saw Quantum. I think it should speak to how good a movie really is when I didn't understand 70% of the plot but still loved the film itself (that should also speak to how much the movie might, like, suck). A: Daniel Craig looks damn fine in a tux. And he doesn't resemble the jacked-up five-year-old British bloke that he seemed to play in Casino Royale. B: I kinda like stiff drinks, fast women, and shiny cars... I guess I need to reconsider my opinion of Ian Flemming when his stories are an orgy of all of those things. C: the best part of the movie, in my opinion, was the title track "Another Way to Die" by Jack White and Alicia Keys. Of all the Bond songs, I think it's the bondiest. It reminds me of going to a high-profile cocktail party in a sexy rexy dress, drinking fancy cocktails while my studly date kills druglords on the terrace with his bare hands, and then getting away with him in an Alpha Romeo. That is probably stolen. And then doin it on 5000-count Egyptian cotton. And then dying a stylish death by getting soaked in liquid gold. Mmmm I want to go to there.

For the Record

Sunday night was MTV's début of Britney Spears tell-all documentary by... some director whose name I can't remember called Britney: For the Record. Not-so-coincidentally, it aired commercial free (with a brief pause to plug her fragrances Curious and Fantasy) just two days shy of Britney's birthday(record release). Happy belated birthday, girlfriend. The film was a somber, silent affair, revealing shots of Britney being ushered from Escalades and make-up stations, while she talked over a faint piano sonata in the background (one of those effects that goes really well with like, candid slo-mo camera work).

Anyway, despite the fact that this entire feature was presented in full monopoly by the Britney Spears empire, I actually found it exceedingly poignant and one of the most objective, clear perspectives on a life that really is such a vicious circle of public exposure. Even though Britney herself isn't, like, y'know, totally articulate about her situation and stuff, her truly sorrowful loss for words is kind of heartbreaking. Here is a girl who has so much to be grateful for, but is so burdened and overwhelmed by the "control" and monotony in her life that she doesn't even know how to express herself or where to start. As many reviews will reveal, Britney seriously shied away from talking about her frappuccino-y barefoot-y days of head-shaving meltdowns, but the honest and silent awkward pauses she took in her responses, and the exhaustion that was evident in her breath reveals serious hurt. Listen guys. This woman is not going to look into the camera with a sober smile and say "yeah I fucked up and married a deadbeat and went on a bender - oops!" She's like, 27. Just because she has two children and a grillion dollars and went to rehab doesn't mean she's going to be the comeback story on the cover of MarieClaire. Shit, most people don't fix their lives even by the time they're 40. The main conundrum for this lady, and her public, is that Britney has become an idea... a mere presence or existence... rather than an individual. We call it "superstardom," and I can't imagine living through it during your formative years like she has done. You know, in lieu of actually growing up.

There were some high notes: I was especially delighted to see that Brit Brit is hanging out with people she genuinely seems to admire and trust (which she herself claims is a step in the right direction). Except for one scene in which entourage members laughed off her emotional frustration, Britney never once seemed upset or impatient with anyone. Her home life seemed happy and sedate: her two FADORABLE kids were waddling around in silly Halloween costumes, and her father seemed to be dutifully protective and proactive about Britney's career and homelife. And Britney herself, as a parent, seemed sincerely aware of "her babies" which "get her up in the morning." I still think she has a long way to go in her relationship with Sean P and JJ, and I hope she crosses it fast, because they are growing up rightquick. It seems as if her desire to regain the 20-something freedom she lost as public prey overshadows the irrational, unconditional love she should have as a mother. If you have a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old, your fucking sun and moon should rise and set around those kids. I don't think it does for Britney.

But, when all's said and done, as Chris Crocker has so ebulliently pleaded, Leave Britney Alone. At least she isn't lookin like this crazy mess anymore. Dang, yall!

True story

Last night's episode of VH1's latest circus of morals and honesty, Real Chance of Love, was sponsored by Plan B Emergency Contraceptive. Billboards, slogan copy, et al. Which leads me to believe that a) pharmaceutical companies truly are targeting their demographics through shamelessly brilliant avenues, and b) that... oh wait... well... OK. Yeah marketing wizards, you pretty much nailed it.





In other news: I need to go jump off a goddam bridge. Later.