The Real Housewives franchise is easily one of my favorite things in life. It's reality TV without the trash, so you don't really feel guilty watching it, you know? Kind of like reading Elle (not exactly the New Yorker but not exactly Cosmopolitan). Well, ok, addendum: the ladies of Atlanta kind of brought some trash(-y hookers!). It's a tightrope we're walkin, right Kim?
For me though, the women of New York produced the best dynamic, probably because each of the five of them had distinctly honed personalities with a basket full of neuroses and negatives that I can scrutinize. Not to say that the OC girls and the Atlanta girls are boring by any means, but it's like, the OC girls are all backstabby blond bitches. And the Atlanta girls are all (say it with me) trashy hookers. The New York girls, on the other hand, are just a squawky mess. And since you all care, here's my profile of each woman:
Ramona I already talked about this lady a while ago, and my sentiments still ring true as I revisit the season this morning. In the last episode, in front of three models, Ramona made the statement that "modeling is an industry that doesn't require a lot of brains." Then she dug herself into a more hilarious hole by trying to apologize. What a girl-woman. I hope no one ever clues her in.
LuAnn Not to say that this group isn't perfect, but ugh! If there's one woman I could pluck out it would be LuAnn, the "cunt-ess." LuAnn thinks her "royal" shit doesn't stink, sauntering about with a sense of entitlement that I once believed was only real in period movies. She barks at her housekeeper, refuses to go on a first-name basis with drivers and the like (since they're "like children" and under her authority), and attributes the privileges she deserves to her European title. Seriously, are you fucking kidding me, LuAnn? As if "European" was even an indication of superiority over "American." She therefore is an immediate target for...
Alexandsimon Alex should always be referred to as Alexandsimon. Since her confusedosexual British husband, Simon, is practically sewn to her fabulous Roberto Cavali frocks (that he picked out). Alexandsimon is OB-sessed with gaining access to the upper echelons of society, so much so that Alexandsimon makes it a 24-hour job to research events, shop for designer costumes to wear to said events, and then scour the paper the next day for photographs of Alexandsimon at the event. Wearing the fabulous Roberto Cavali frock. Alexandsimon also has this insecure unrelenting quest to live the European life that LuAnn espouses, naming the children François and Johann and making it a point to tell everyone that François (who is fucking FOUR) makes speeches or whatever in French and Latin. This surreal behavior ere go takes a toll on Alexandsimon's house, which is dilapidated, and the stuff Alexandsimon's kids should be learning, like basic colors/numbers/shapes, and manners.
Jill Aw, Jill. The most balanced, normal lady in the whole cycle. There's very little shade of character in Jill that I could criticize, because she has her head on straight in the way that only a hardened, no-nonsense Jewish woman from New York would. She talks about her boobs ALL the time, which is kind of hilarious, only stopping to make astute, completely correct critiques of the other crazy housewives. She's in love with her awful chihuahua instead of status, which, after LuAnn and Alexandsimon, is really refreshing. Oh yeah, and she hates Ramona and it's fucking hysterical.
Bethenny After Jill Bethenny is the one who I could see myself totally being friends with. She's the only non-married, non-mother of the group, and she won't let us forget it. Bethenny's job is to cook food sometimes but mostly to just get drunk and badger her boyfriend about proposing and making her pregnant immediately. She's best friends with Jill, understandably, since they're both really good at sitting across a table from pretentious idiots and rolling their eyes. Her talent for critique is exercised in full force on her Bravo blog, where she attacks Housewives of other seasons in similar unminced words. Keep on keepin on, homegirl.UPDATE As Bethenny would say, holy inappropriateness! The Bravo gods heard my prayers and are indeed blessing America with a second season of New York Housewives. This calls for a GNO with Alexandsimon. I hope we get photographed!
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