Looking forward to May, when I'll be 189 pounds and reading People with a cigarette!

These are my goals for the month of April:

1. Find a full-time job. Or at least immerse myself very much into the search so I'm not eating cookie dough and living under flight paths and break dancing in the Times Square subway station for dollas this summer.
2. Quit smoking. I think by at least the time finals are over I'll be nico-free!
3. Stop wearing outfits two days in a row because I'm too lazy to go back to Brooklyn for a night.
4. Lose five pounds. I really need to lose, like, 15-20, but I'm going to be real about this. I aint running 8 miles a day, peeps.
   
5. Corollary: persuade myself that sesame seed bagels toasted with 2 pounds of cream cheese, washed down with a 300-calorie Jamba Juice, does not a healthy breakfast make.
6. Start reading more. And start reading items that are published seasonally, not every seven days (aka put down the Us Weekly).
7. Do my homework. Like, when it's due instead of three weeks later.
8. Clean my FECKING APARTMENT.
9. Hunt for lost treasure.
10. Convince my mom that "twat" is a much funnier word than it is offensive. You know, kind of like "addiction."
1. On those heels, sell society on the idea that the term "doing it" is so much more hilarious than "having sex."